"H" doesn't stand for hope

Beaten, bruised, broken- these three words were all she had left to hold on to. She would cry out for help but no one was there to lend out their hand and save her. Halfway buried alive, she had dug her own grave. She had to make a decision to either continue to slowly kill herself, or to dig herself out of the ground. People say she did this to herself. Some might disagree, that is if they knew her and her history. Maci was a young, beautifully blonde girl who loved her family and friends. She began playing softball as a child and continued as a pitcher throughout high school. She always had to work extra hard in school as math, science, history and English all did not come easy. Her family was very well known in the community with her father being the high school wrestling coach and her mother being a big time nurse in the county. Her parents always made an effort to show their love for Maci in different ways. In high school, she had a great amount of friends, both younger and older; she was always so full of life and enjoyable to be around.

Her junior year, Maci began partying an abnormal amount, slacking behind in most of her classes, and started skipping school weekly. Her softball coach quickly caught on to her poor decisions and as an outcome, kicked her off the team. At home, her parents would constantly argue over their daughter and ask her why she was acting out all of the sudden. Maci would reply with the answer, “I’m not doing anything wrong” and storm upstairs to her room. At night she would lie in bed staring at the ceiling asking herself what was wrong with her. She couldn’t put her finger on why she had been acting so strange lately. The next morning when she woke, her mother had brought her breakfast in bed. Surprised, Maci asked what the occasion was and her mom said, “Instead of going to school today, I am taking you to see a specialist. You need to get better hun. We are all extremely worried about you and your behavior lately hasn’t been normal.” Maci agreed that it was in her best interest to see a psychiatrist.

When they arrived at Dr. Hoffman’s facility, Maci was hesitant getting out of the car. She was in denial and didn’t want to know what was wrong with her; she was scared to face her problems head on. Her mother eagerly dragged her out of the passenger seat shutting the door behind her. “Why are you so nervous? Everything will be okay. Once we know what is going on with you, we can properly take care of it”, her mother said in an optimistic tone. During the one hour session, Maci explained to the doctor what had been going on at school and at home and how she was recently kicked off the softball team for truancy. Her mother, concerned for her daughter, gave Dr. Hoffman a synopsis of Maci’s normal behavior and stated that she had never seen her act out in such a way. The doctor diagnosed Maci with severe clinical depression and said that she must see him once a week for an hour until she overcomes this mental state.

Over the next several weeks, Maci pays her visit to Dr. Hoffman but she still feels empty inside. It was as if she needed something or someone to fill that void. The next weekend, she went to a party at one of her friend’s lake house. Inside, there were people wall to wall. It was so crowded that she went to the fridge, grabbed a beer, and walked back outside. She sits on the porch, lights up a cigarette and takes a drag. Coming from the porch she hears someone say, “Hey, hey. You are too pretty a lady to be smoking like that.” Confused, she asked who was there as it was dark outside making almost nothing visible. “I’m Zander, it’s very nice to meet you.” Shining the flashlight on her phone towards him she says, “I’m Maci. I only smoke because I feel empty inside and I guess it fills that void.” Immediately, she sparks the young man’s interest with her reply. “I know what you mean. I used to always feel like I was empty inside until I found H.”, said Zander eagerly. Curious, Maci asks, “What’s H?”

Zander reached into his pocket and pulls out a bag that contained a light brown powder. He described “H” as his only hope to getting better. He told her he suffered from major depression and it would come in go in waves. She then went on to tell him that she had recently been diagnosed with clinical depression, but the medication she was prescribed wasn’t helping, that’s why she picked up cigarettes. Zander told Maci that if she snorted a line of “H”, she would no longer feel empty; it would make her feel whole again, on top of the world. Without any further questions, she took a bump of it using her car keys. For a short five minutes, she sat on the porch so high that she claimed she saw God. “More, more, more. I need more of that amazing powder!” she said. Zander told her she only needed one more bump because it was very addicting. Maci agreed, took another bump, and then asked him where she could purchase some for herself. He then told her he would take her under his wing and she could always come over for some “hope”. They each exchanged numbers and Maci drove home.

A year goes by and her depression still hasn’t gone away. Zander and Maci began dating a month after they met at the party and they have been together now for a full year. The first day of her senior year she arrives back to school. Everyone in her classes stared at her like she was the odd one out. Throughout the day, the awkwardness between Maci and her peers got worse. Her friends began to ignore her, and her best friend wouldn’t even sit with her at lunch. She had lost almost everyone in her life- she pushed them all away. That night at home, her parents sat her down in the living room and attempted to have an intervention. Both her mother and father could tell something was up as they discovered a bag with brown substance in her bathroom earlier that day. They told her she needed to get help but she refused. Refusing help and treatment was when everything began to crumble around her.

After graduation, her family placed her in a rehabilitation center in Atlanta where she would seek out the treatment and help she desperately needed. After spending three months in rehab, Maci came home to her family and Zander, her parents unaware of the scum bag he really was. She had been three months sober and was finally headed in the direction to get better. That night, Zander took her out for dinner and told her he had a present for her later. When they got back to his house, he handed her a gold box with a white bow wrapped around it. Maci unwrapped the box and to her surprise, there it was: a clear bag with a brown substance. Zander told her that she needed a little ounce of hope to get her through. So desperate to still fill that void, Maci took off her shirt, and slowly pierced her arm with a needle, injecting “H” into her vein. Maci knew she was never going to get better so she stopped trying.

Eventually, her family began to lose any hope that their daughter was going to get better. Her friends began to distance themselves from her because they saw how much she was destroying herself and they didn’t want to be dragged down with her. Not only did Maci ruin her life and her future, she ruined every relationship she ever had besides Zander; this made her more depressed. The more empty she felt inside, the more “hope” she needed, abusing it every second she could. Every day, she would try to fight the urge to use but when things got rocky, she fell back into her old habits. Heroine took away any and every great possibility from her. After several impatient treatment facilities and multiple family interventions, any ounce of hope left was invisible. Maci gave up the fight. She let addiction take over her life. What used to be a strong, independent, well-rounded woman was now an addict who depended on a high to get her through the day. She didn’t want to change. She even told her doctor that things would never be the same without a daily dose of “H”. Now that she has dug her own grave and there is no one to save her, she can only rely on herself.

Eventually, people get tired of trying to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. It’s not that those people in your life stop caring or loving you, but it becomes hard for them to sit back and watch the person they love so dearly continue down the same path with no progression. Now that Maci is nearly six feet under, will she decide to lay in the ground or fight against her addiction? Her future isn’t promising but it’s better to recover and get sober than to let Heroine take her life. But the overall question is why? Why does this drug take so many lives? “H” doesn’t stand for hope. It stands for the hole that addicts think they need to fill in order to feel truly alive. That is something to die for.